Re: The amusing thread

by **SavageNFS** Wed Aug 03, 2011 9:36 am

lmao...

Good one Bob!

by **grumpydaddy** Wed Aug 03, 2011 10:14 am

:D: :D:

by **Steve** Wed Aug 03, 2011 11:01 am

Excellent Bob & Mike!!

:laugh: :HAHA:

by **grumpydaddy** Wed Aug 03, 2011 5:24 pm

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me, though... It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day this 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister!

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door...

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

But, lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me, and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!

by **Steve** Wed Aug 03, 2011 5:57 pm

LMFAO

by **4hams** Thu Aug 04, 2011 6:01 am

LMAO!

by **bob2701** Thu Aug 04, 2011 12:15 pm

LMAO

by **grumpydaddy** Thu Aug 04, 2011 1:50 pm

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
.
.
.
.
"No eye deer"

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
.
.
.
.
Still no eye dear

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs that fell in a lake?
.
.
.
.
Bob

Sorry bob

by **rrplay** Thu Aug 04, 2011 5:44 pm

by **4hams** Thu Aug 04, 2011 7:20 pm

That reminds me of...

What do ya call a dog with no legs out on a walk...

Drag.

by **bob2701** Fri Aug 05, 2011 8:11 am

LMAO :laugh:

by **SavageNFS** Fri Aug 05, 2011 9:02 am

haha

by **rrplay** Fri Aug 05, 2011 10:53 am

HA ! a good one for those dog walkers I see :D:

by **grumpydaddy** Fri Aug 05, 2011 11:34 am

A childs prayer

"Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in daddy’s computer, Amen"

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

from my blonde friend:

Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.

I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so life like you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coats that exposed their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.

But to my surprise, cars started slowing down to look at my lifelike men. And, of course, traffic began backing up. Everybody tooted their horns and waved like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.

He got out of his car and walked towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

"What's going on here?"

"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.

"Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"

by **Steve** Sat Aug 06, 2011 10:17 am

Investment Advice

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today!

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund you would have received $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.

It is called the 401-Keg.

And as a bonus... :D:

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that on average Americans drink 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that the average American gets about 41 miles to the gallon!

by **grumpydaddy** Wed Aug 10, 2011 12:55 pm

Half way through my tour of duty in Afganistan I was feeling kinda down, quite despondent ..... so I grabbed one of the locals and poured bleach on him....

....Well, I just wanted to lighten Mahmood

by **SavageNFS** Wed Aug 10, 2011 12:59 pm

lol...that's so bad :laugh:

by **4hams** Wed Aug 10, 2011 7:53 pm

But funny as hell! LOL

by **grumpydaddy** Fri Aug 12, 2011 2:05 pm

When i saw all those bas***ds rioting in Tottenham I knew I had to find somewhere safe to hide where they wouldnt go !!!

So i'm typing this up on the computer in the Job Center !!!!

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"Is this meat fatty?" I asked the wife.
"No, it's Quorn and don't call me that!"

by **bob2701** Fri Aug 12, 2011 4:31 pm

A magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, It’s not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said....

"OK, I give up. Where's the fuckin' ship?"

by **smduff** Fri Aug 12, 2011 9:13 pm

by **SavageNFS** Fri Aug 12, 2011 9:13 pm

lol...that is awesome. I would have just killed the damn bird.

by **grumpydaddy** Fri Aug 19, 2011 6:55 am

Copied in its entirety from a post by is_it_me at XS I think you may enjoy....

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on
her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and
preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is
like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from
the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Clifton:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior, and have been
forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against
your husband, Mr. Clifton, are listed below and are documented by
our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put
them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail from a jar of brown gravy on the
floor leading to both the ladies' and men's restrooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an
official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away." This caused
the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her
supervisor, that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management
to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the service desk and tried to put a bag of
M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a
carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and
told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring
pillows and blankets from the bedding department, to which twenty
children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him
he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me
alone?" EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera
and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting
department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while
loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his
"Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud
speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES
AGAIN!"

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.."
One of the clerks passed out.

by **SavageNFS** Fri Aug 19, 2011 7:30 am

awesome!

by **rrplay** Fri Aug 19, 2011 8:55 am

Thanks for making my morning :)

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