Re: The amusing thread

[bob2701]

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"


No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

[Steve]

LMAO

Excellent Bob.

[grumpydaddy]

A new "foreign" family moved in down our street, man there must be twenty of them, anyways we held a housewarming...... Well, we called it a housewarming, the police called it arson.

..

..

..(waits for slap on wrist)

[bob2701]

-- If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius...
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone became Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss America contest.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, in an interview to become spokesperson for a Federal anti-smoking campaign.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
--A congressional candidate in Texas.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- Dan Quayle
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Feeling smarter yet?

[rrplay]

feeling much better

[bob2701]

Frozen Crabs & the Blonde Stewardess

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and
asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and
promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was
holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a
very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about
what would happen if she let them thaw out.


Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the
entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs, in New Orleans,
please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.

[grumpydaddy]

First time I have heard talk of crabs since I was a lad

[bob2701]

And was that talk with the doctor???

[Steve]

LMAO

[bob2701]

Global Facts About Sex

At Any Given Moment:

FACT:
79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now!

FACT:
58,000,000 are kissing.

FACT:
37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

FACT:
1 elderly person is reading Forum Jokes.

You hang in there, Sunshine .......

[SavageNFS]

[bob2701]

25 Ways to tell you’re grown up.

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can’t smole any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the weather channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of “Hook up” and “Break up.”
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “Dressed Up.”
10. You’re the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog science diet instead of McDonald’s leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for Ibuprofen and Antacid, not Condoms and Pregnacy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “Pretty Good Shit.”
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again.”
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of the computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking “Oh shit, what the hell happened?”
26. BONUS… You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn’t apply to you and you can’t find one to save your sorry old ass.

[SavageNFS]

LOL @26

[rrplay]

LOL Nothing changed @24

[Steve]

[Sponsored content]