Re: The amusing thread

by **SavageNFS** Fri May 27, 2011 6:39 am

rofl...good one Bob!
:laugh:

by **4hams** Fri May 27, 2011 7:29 pm

Ha ha LMAO!

by **grumpydaddy** Tue May 31, 2011 12:06 pm

Canadian Humor ???

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, in Sydney Harbour, Nova Scotia, the husband answered his door to find two grim-faced Canadian Mounties.

"We're sorry sir, but we have some information about your wife said one Mountie.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?

"Fearing the worst, the husband said, "Give me the bad news first."

The Mountie said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in one of the the bays."

Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The Mountie continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound snow crabs and 6 good-size lobsters clinging to her."

Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The Mountie said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

by **4hams** Tue May 31, 2011 2:06 pm

Ha ha I love it!

by **SavageNFS** Tue May 31, 2011 2:11 pm

rofl...never disappoint!

by **bob2701** Tue May 31, 2011 2:24 pm

:HAHA: :HAHA: Good one Mike... drink

by **bob2701** Tue May 31, 2011 2:35 pm

There are 4 questions. Don't miss any of them!

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2 How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant, and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals Attend .... Except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the Professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively proves the theory that most professionals do not have the brains of a four-year-old.

by **grumpydaddy** Wed Jun 01, 2011 2:48 pm

Yep my 9 year old got more right than any of us.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."

"Blow that" says Mick - "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

==============

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.

Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

===============

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.

At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

================

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.

===============

I was explaining to my husband last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.

He said "I would like to come back as a pig."

I said "You're obviously not listening."

=============

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten.

It's called a wedding cake.

==============

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.

So I have been down to Red Cross to get all her clothes back.

by **Steve** Wed Jun 01, 2011 3:40 pm

LMFAO

:laugh: :laugh: ROTFLMAO

You guy's are great!! thanks

by **bob2701** Wed Jun 01, 2011 5:59 pm

LMAO :laugh:

My Turn......

Harlequin Novel, Updated..

He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me
into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were
alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a
low, reassuring voice close to my ear.

"Just relax."

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused
hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my
calves, slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat.

I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was
so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I
gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was
pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage.
And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled
sharply.

Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my
shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.
Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and
expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A
man not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me
what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say . . . .

"Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now."

by **Steve** Wed Jun 01, 2011 6:23 pm

:laugh:

:HAHA:

Yet another great one, thanks Bob!

by **grumpydaddy** Fri Jun 03, 2011 3:21 pm

:laugh:

we can always rely on you bob.

====================

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search
and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that
number to climb as digging continues into the night.

====================

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.

====================

You know those automated telephone systems? well....... machine message - "...If you want to buy
marijuana, press the hash key..."

=====================

She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.

=====================

Why do computer programmers confuse Halloween and Christmas?

Because oct31=dec25.

I'd best leave it there ....they are getting worse

by **4hams** Fri Jun 03, 2011 5:38 pm

grumpydaddy wrote: :laugh:

we can always rely on you bob.

====================

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search
and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that
number to climb as digging continues into the night.

====================

If this is true then I guess that the population of Newfoundland is made up of Irish imigrants... LOL

by **grumpydaddy** Wed Jun 15, 2011 10:01 am

The Lone Ranger's Last Request

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger"...
"In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests" "What is your FIRST request?'

The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent
and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse", "But I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your SECOND request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.

Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents," "But I will still kill you tomorrow."

"What is your LAST request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse...alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

"Listen Very Carefully!!!FOR...THE...LAST...TIME...

"BRING POSSE!"

by **smduff** Wed Jun 15, 2011 11:00 am

LMFAO I dunno I would be happy with the horse

by **4hams** Wed Jun 15, 2011 11:05 am

:laugh:

by **SavageNFS** Wed Jun 15, 2011 3:50 pm

rofl... :laugh:

by **grumpydaddy** Wed Jun 29, 2011 2:17 pm

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 pall bearers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot !

I was at a cashpoint/ATM machine yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said, "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do."

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70 ! Sod this, I thought, I can get one much cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' - I thought, 'What a great idea, whyever don't we have them in our country?'

by **4hams** Wed Jun 29, 2011 2:27 pm

by **Steve** Wed Jun 29, 2011 3:38 pm

Grumpy!

by **grumpydaddy** Wed Jun 29, 2011 5:47 pm

Proposed cuts to the Health Service.

The Irish Medical Association has weighed in on the new Minister for Health James Reilly's health care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn't hear of it.

The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the @rseholes in HSE

by **Steve** Wed Jun 29, 2011 6:33 pm

More good stuff Grumpy!

by **4hams** Wed Jun 29, 2011 6:58 pm

I love it!

by **bob2701** Thu Jun 30, 2011 7:29 am

Grumpy rolls again. lol!

by **bob2701** Sun Jul 03, 2011 8:47 am

These fit so well they should be in a dictionary:

ADULT
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR
A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS
The only animal you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF
Cold Storage.

INFLATION
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO
An insect that makes you like flies better.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
A doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority.

RAISIN
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES
Something other people have .... similar to my character lines.

OLD
I very quietly confided to my friend that I was having an Affair.
She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?"
And that, my friend, is the definition of 'OLD'!!!

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