The amusing thread

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Re: The amusing thread

Post by bob2701 on Fri Jul 22, 2011 2:39 pm

The Irish Firefighter.

Paddy was walking along the street during his once-in-a-lifetime visit to
New York, when he rounds a corner and there's a high-rise building on fire.

Paddy, ever the kind-hearted and resourceful Irishman, runs up to the
building to see if he can help and notices people trapped five stories up.

Paddy yells to the people, "I'm Patrick Sean Michael Fitzpatrick, an Irish
Fire Fighter on holiday. I'm also a Rugby Union fullback! If you jump, I'll
catch you!"

One lady, in desperation, jumps and sure enough Paddy catches her..

Then a man sees that Paddy catches the woman and he jumps. Sure enough,
Paddy catches him as well.

Then a black man jumps out and crashes to the sidewalk. Paddy didn't even
attempt to catch him.

Paddy looks up and yells, "Don't be throwin' down the burnt ones!"
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by 4hams on Fri Jul 22, 2011 7:09 pm

:laugh:
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by grumpydaddy on Sat Jul 23, 2011 4:49 am

Two Blondes in a pub see a really attractive guy walk in but he has bad dandruff ...

The first blond says "He needs head and shoulders"

The second replies "How do you give shoulders"
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by Steve on Sat Jul 23, 2011 8:13 am

ROTFLMAO :HAHA: :laugh:
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by bob2701 on Sat Jul 23, 2011 8:34 am

:laugh: ROTFLMAO :yourock:
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by 4hams on Sat Jul 23, 2011 8:53 am

:laugh: lol! ROTFLMAO
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by bob2701 on Sat Jul 23, 2011 2:40 pm

Tetanus Shot

An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks,

"Where are you going?"

He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."

She says, "Why, are you sick?"

He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

He says, "Where the heck are you going"?

She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."

He says, "Why, what do you need?"

She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a Tetanus shot."
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by Steve on Sat Jul 23, 2011 2:44 pm

LMFAO, Excellent Bob!! ROTFLMAO
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by bob2701 on Sat Jul 23, 2011 2:51 pm

Sounds like you can relate to it!!! :laugh:

After all you are 100....
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by Steve on Sat Jul 23, 2011 3:15 pm

bob2701 wrote:Sounds like you can relate to it!!! :laugh:

After all you are 100....

It's too early yet for Viagra, I hope.

I did have read it to my wife though so I could have another belly laugh. :laugh:
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by 4hams on Sun Jul 24, 2011 8:13 am

ROTFLMAO
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by grumpydaddy on Mon Jul 25, 2011 5:15 pm

Men Are Just Happier People --
But What can you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress €5000. Tux rental-€100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is €8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original color..
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look..
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Send this to the women who can handle it
And to the men who will enjoy reading it.




Men Are Just Happier People


NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman .


EATING OUT
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in €20, even though it's only for €32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none
will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.


MONEY
· A man will pay €2 for a €1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay €1 for a €2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.


BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.


ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.




MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.


DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods,
secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.




THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by rrplay on Tue Jul 26, 2011 5:30 am

Thanks Mike ! made my morning ! smile:
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by bob2701 on Tue Jul 26, 2011 8:10 am

:yourock: The best as usual Mike, thanks
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by SavageNFS on Tue Jul 26, 2011 8:18 am

So much truth spews this morning...very well done Mike!
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by 4hams on Tue Jul 26, 2011 8:42 am

thanks Mike!
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by smduff on Tue Jul 26, 2011 9:16 am

LMAO nice.
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by bob2701 on Mon Aug 01, 2011 7:16 pm

All golfers should live so long as to be this kind of old man!

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.

"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all them mother fuckers."
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by SavageNFS on Mon Aug 01, 2011 7:27 pm

*bows*

:laugh: ROTFLMAO :HAHA:
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by 4hams on Tue Aug 02, 2011 4:25 pm

lol! ROTFLMAO :Thankyou:
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by grumpydaddy on Tue Aug 02, 2011 4:35 pm

Top class bob :D:
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by grumpydaddy on Tue Aug 02, 2011 4:44 pm

A blonde is standing by the first tee waiting for her golf lesson from the resident professional. A foursome is in process of teeing off. The first golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 230 yards straight down the middle of the fairway.

"That was a good shot," said the blonde. "Not bad considering my impediment," said the golfer. "What do you mean?" said the blonde. "I have a glass eye," said the golfer. "I don't believe you, show me," said the blonde. He popped his eye out and showed her.

The next golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 240 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. "That was a good shot," said the blonde. "Not bad considering my impediment," said the golfer. "What's wrong with you?" said the blonde. "I have a prosthetic arm," said the golfer. "I don't believe you, show me" said the blonde, so he screwed his arm off and showed her.

The next golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 250 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. "That was a good shot," said the blonde. "Not bad considering my impediment," said the golfer. "What's wrong with you?" said the blonde. "I have a prosthetic leg," said the golfer. "I don't believe you, show me" said the blonde, so he screwed his leg off and showed her.

The fourth golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 280 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. "That was a wonderful shot," said the blonde. "Not bad considering my impediment," said the golfer. "What's wrong with you?" said the blonde. "I have an artificial heart," said the golfer. "I don't believe you, show me" said the blonde.

"I can't show you out here in the open," said the golfer. "Come around here behind the Pro-Shop." As they had not returned within five minutes, his golfing mates decided to go and see what was holding them up.

As they turned the corner behind the Pro-Shop, sure enough, there he was, screwing his heart out.

and....

Did you know that O.J. Simpson, Monica Lewinsky, Ted Kennedy, and President Bill Clinton are all avid golfers?

O.J.'s a slicer, Monica's a hooker, Ted Kennedy can't drive over water, and Clinton can't seem to hit the right hole!

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Re: The amusing thread

Post by SavageNFS on Tue Aug 02, 2011 9:23 pm

Bravo!
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by bob2701 on Tue Aug 02, 2011 9:36 pm

Excellent Mike. drink thanks
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by bob2701 on Wed Aug 03, 2011 9:24 am

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said, "Your *ucking brother won't let me in without a tie!"
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Re: The amusing thread

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