The amusing thread
+5
bob2701
McstylisT
smduff
4hams
grumpydaddy
9 posters
https://mcstylists-overclock.forumotion.com :: Welcome & Hello :: The Chat Lounge :: Jokes & Funny Stuff
Page 12 of 21
Page 12 of 21 • 1 ... 7 ... 11, 12, 13 ... 16 ... 21
Re: The amusing thread
:HAHA:
Bob continues on his roll.
Bob continues on his roll.
Steve- Respected Forum Idividuals
- Posts : 949
Join date : 2010-02-20
Age : 112
Location : Northern Calif. USA
Re: The amusing thread
Having already downed a few power
drinks, she turns around, faces him,
looks him straight in the eye and says,
"Listen here good looking, I screw
anybody, anytime, anywhere,
your place, my place, in the car, front
door, back door, on the ground,
standing up, sitting down,
naked or with clothes on, it doesn't
matter to me. I just love it."
Eyes now wide with interest, he responds,
"No kidding. I'm in Congress too.
What state are you from?"
drinks, she turns around, faces him,
looks him straight in the eye and says,
"Listen here good looking, I screw
anybody, anytime, anywhere,
your place, my place, in the car, front
door, back door, on the ground,
standing up, sitting down,
naked or with clothes on, it doesn't
matter to me. I just love it."
Eyes now wide with interest, he responds,
"No kidding. I'm in Congress too.
What state are you from?"
bob2701- Respected Forum Idividuals
- Posts : 1474
Join date : 2010-03-04
Age : 82
Location : Jersey Shore
Re: The amusing thread
You got to love the truth.
4hams- Old Father Time
- Posts : 2708
Join date : 2010-02-06
Location : Ontario, Canada
Re: The amusing thread
There are times when I almost believe you are somewhat cynical bob
grumpydaddy- Moderators
- Posts : 328
Join date : 2010-07-16
Location : UK
Re: The amusing thread
Subject: PANTS
A little humor.
Pants and Panties....
Mike was going to be married to Karen
so his Father sat him down for a little chat.
He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.''
She did and said, 'These are too big.
I can't wear them.'
I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in
this family and I always will.'
Ever since that night, we have
never had any problems.
'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..!
She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'
Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family
and I always will.
I don't want you to ever forget that.'
Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike.She said, 'Here, you try on mine !
Mike did and said,
'I can't get into your panties.'
Karen said, 'Exactly.
And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'
A little humor.
Pants and Panties....
Mike was going to be married to Karen
so his Father sat him down for a little chat.
He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.''
She did and said, 'These are too big.
I can't wear them.'
I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in
this family and I always will.'
Ever since that night, we have
never had any problems.
'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..!
She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'
Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family
and I always will.
I don't want you to ever forget that.'
Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike.She said, 'Here, you try on mine !
Mike did and said,
'I can't get into your panties.'
Karen said, 'Exactly.
And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'
bob2701- Respected Forum Idividuals
- Posts : 1474
Join date : 2010-03-04
Age : 82
Location : Jersey Shore
Re: The amusing thread
LOL touche
smduff- Admin
- Posts : 1592
Join date : 2010-02-07
Age : 50
Location : Canukland
4hams- Old Father Time
- Posts : 2708
Join date : 2010-02-06
Location : Ontario, Canada
Re: The amusing thread
A man is sitting at home on the veranda with his wife . . . and he says, "I love you."
She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"
He replies, "It's me . . . . talking to the beer."
She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"
He replies, "It's me . . . . talking to the beer."
bob2701- Respected Forum Idividuals
- Posts : 1474
Join date : 2010-03-04
Age : 82
Location : Jersey Shore
Re: The amusing thread
Left over from St. Paddy's Day
***********************************************
The Fall
Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"
************************************************
You've Been Drinking Again
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.
The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.
So, the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face.
He tried to stand one more time; same result.
He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again.
So he decided to crawl the four blocks home.
Again, he fell flat on his face.
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting,
"SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"
Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said,
"What makes you say that?"
"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."
***************************************
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
**********************************************************************************************************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
***********************************************************************************************************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery....."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
************************************************************************************************************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
*********************************************************************************************************
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."
***********************************************
The Fall
Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"
************************************************
You've Been Drinking Again
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.
The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.
So, the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face.
He tried to stand one more time; same result.
He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again.
So he decided to crawl the four blocks home.
Again, he fell flat on his face.
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting,
"SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"
Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said,
"What makes you say that?"
"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."
***************************************
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
**********************************************************************************************************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
***********************************************************************************************************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery....."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
************************************************************************************************************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
*********************************************************************************************************
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."
bob2701- Respected Forum Idividuals
- Posts : 1474
Join date : 2010-03-04
Age : 82
Location : Jersey Shore
Re: The amusing thread
:laugh: :HAHA:
Steve- Respected Forum Idividuals
- Posts : 949
Join date : 2010-02-20
Age : 112
Location : Northern Calif. USA
Re: The amusing thread
Thats a :laugh: to be sure
grumpydaddy- Moderators
- Posts : 328
Join date : 2010-07-16
Location : UK
4hams- Old Father Time
- Posts : 2708
Join date : 2010-02-06
Location : Ontario, Canada
Re: The amusing thread
No matter what our kids and the new generation think about us,
WE ARE AWESOME !!!
OUR Lives are LIVING PROOF !!!
To Those of Us Born
1925 - 1970 :
~~~~~~~~~
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE
1930s, '40s, '50s, '60s and '70s!!
First, we survived being born to mothers who may have drank while they were pregnant.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then, after that trauma, we were
put to sleep on our tummies
in baby cribs covered
with bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets,
and, when we rode our bikes,
we had baseball caps,
not helmets, on our heads.
As infants and children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes..
Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter, and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And we weren't overweight.
WHY?
Because we were always outside playing...that's why!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day.
--And, we were OKAY.
We would spend hours building
our go-carts out of scraps
and then ride them down the hill,
only to find out we forgot the brakes.. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem..
We did not have Play Stations, Nintendos and X-boxes. There were
no video games, no 150 channels on cable,
no video movies or DVDs,
no surround-sound or CDs,
no cell phones,
no personal computers,
no Internet and no chat rooms.
WE HAD FRIENDS
and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut,
broke bones and teeth,
and there were no lawsuits
from those accidents.
We would get spankings with wooden spoons, switches, ping-pong paddles, or just a bare hand, and no one would call child services to report abuse.
We ate worms, and mud pies
made from dirt, and
the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls, and
-although we were told it would happen- we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.
Little League had tryouts
and not everyone made the team.
Those who didn't had to learn
to deal with disappointment.
Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers,
problem solvers, and inventors ever.
The past 50 to 85 years have seen an explosion of innovation and new ideas...
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
If YOU are one of those born
between 1925-1970, CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it ?
~~~~~~~
WE ARE AWESOME !!!
OUR Lives are LIVING PROOF !!!
To Those of Us Born
1925 - 1970 :
~~~~~~~~~
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE
1930s, '40s, '50s, '60s and '70s!!
First, we survived being born to mothers who may have drank while they were pregnant.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then, after that trauma, we were
put to sleep on our tummies
in baby cribs covered
with bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets,
and, when we rode our bikes,
we had baseball caps,
not helmets, on our heads.
As infants and children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes..
Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter, and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And we weren't overweight.
WHY?
Because we were always outside playing...that's why!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day.
--And, we were OKAY.
We would spend hours building
our go-carts out of scraps
and then ride them down the hill,
only to find out we forgot the brakes.. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem..
We did not have Play Stations, Nintendos and X-boxes. There were
no video games, no 150 channels on cable,
no video movies or DVDs,
no surround-sound or CDs,
no cell phones,
no personal computers,
no Internet and no chat rooms.
WE HAD FRIENDS
and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut,
broke bones and teeth,
and there were no lawsuits
from those accidents.
We would get spankings with wooden spoons, switches, ping-pong paddles, or just a bare hand, and no one would call child services to report abuse.
We ate worms, and mud pies
made from dirt, and
the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls, and
-although we were told it would happen- we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.
Little League had tryouts
and not everyone made the team.
Those who didn't had to learn
to deal with disappointment.
Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers,
problem solvers, and inventors ever.
The past 50 to 85 years have seen an explosion of innovation and new ideas...
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
If YOU are one of those born
between 1925-1970, CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it ?
~~~~~~~
grumpydaddy- Moderators
- Posts : 328
Join date : 2010-07-16
Location : UK
Re: The amusing thread
Oh, the good old days. LOL
bob2701- Respected Forum Idividuals
- Posts : 1474
Join date : 2010-03-04
Age : 82
Location : Jersey Shore
Re: The amusing thread
Thanks grumpy!
4hams- Old Father Time
- Posts : 2708
Join date : 2010-02-06
Location : Ontario, Canada
Re: The amusing thread
Oldie but goodie.....
FARTING AT TIFFANY'S
A LADY WALKS INTO TIFFANY'S .. SHE LOOKS AROUND, SPOTS A BEAUTIFUL
DIAMOND BRACELET AND WALKS OVER TO INSPECT IT...
AS SHE BENDS OVER TO LOOK MORE CLOSELY, SHE UNEXPECTEDLY
FARTS...
VERY EMBARRASSED, SHE LOOKS AROUND NERVOUSLY TO SEE IF
ANYONE NOTICED HER LITTLE WOOPS AND PRAYS THAT A
SALESPERSON WAS NOT ANYWHERE NEAR...
AS SHE TURNS AROUND, HER WORST NIGHTMARE MATERIALIZES
IN THE FORM OF A SALESMAN STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HER...
GOOD LOOKING AS WELL .. COOL AS A CUCUMBER, HE DISPLAYS
ALL OF THE QUALITIES ONE WOULD EXPECT OF A PROFESSIONAL
IN A STORE LIKE TIFFANY'S...
HE POLITELY GREETS THE LADY WITH, 'GOOD DAY, MADAM
.. HOW MAY WE HELP YOU TODAY???
BLUSHING AND UNCOMFORTABLE, BUT STILL HOPING THAT THE
SALESMAN SOMEHOW MISSED HER LITTLE 'INCIDENT', SHE ASKS,
'SIR, WHAT IS THE PRICE OF
THIS LOVELY BRACELET ??'
HE ANSWERS, "MADAM .. IF YOU FARTED JUST LOOKING AT IT
- YOU'RE GOING TO SHIT WHEN I TELL YOU THE PRICE ...."
FARTING AT TIFFANY'S
A LADY WALKS INTO TIFFANY'S .. SHE LOOKS AROUND, SPOTS A BEAUTIFUL
DIAMOND BRACELET AND WALKS OVER TO INSPECT IT...
AS SHE BENDS OVER TO LOOK MORE CLOSELY, SHE UNEXPECTEDLY
FARTS...
VERY EMBARRASSED, SHE LOOKS AROUND NERVOUSLY TO SEE IF
ANYONE NOTICED HER LITTLE WOOPS AND PRAYS THAT A
SALESPERSON WAS NOT ANYWHERE NEAR...
AS SHE TURNS AROUND, HER WORST NIGHTMARE MATERIALIZES
IN THE FORM OF A SALESMAN STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HER...
GOOD LOOKING AS WELL .. COOL AS A CUCUMBER, HE DISPLAYS
ALL OF THE QUALITIES ONE WOULD EXPECT OF A PROFESSIONAL
IN A STORE LIKE TIFFANY'S...
HE POLITELY GREETS THE LADY WITH, 'GOOD DAY, MADAM
.. HOW MAY WE HELP YOU TODAY???
BLUSHING AND UNCOMFORTABLE, BUT STILL HOPING THAT THE
SALESMAN SOMEHOW MISSED HER LITTLE 'INCIDENT', SHE ASKS,
'SIR, WHAT IS THE PRICE OF
THIS LOVELY BRACELET ??'
HE ANSWERS, "MADAM .. IF YOU FARTED JUST LOOKING AT IT
- YOU'RE GOING TO SHIT WHEN I TELL YOU THE PRICE ...."
bob2701- Respected Forum Idividuals
- Posts : 1474
Join date : 2010-03-04
Age : 82
Location : Jersey Shore
Re: The amusing thread
LMAO :laugh:
Steve- Respected Forum Idividuals
- Posts : 949
Join date : 2010-02-20
Age : 112
Location : Northern Calif. USA
4hams- Old Father Time
- Posts : 2708
Join date : 2010-02-06
Location : Ontario, Canada
Re: The amusing thread
:duh: :sorry: :laugh: Good one Bob
smduff- Admin
- Posts : 1592
Join date : 2010-02-07
Age : 50
Location : Canukland
Re: The amusing thread
that's good one thanks and needed it ! :laugh:
rrplay- Respected Forum Idividuals
- Posts : 446
Join date : 2011-02-21
Age : 67
Location : Crystal Lake
Re: The amusing thread
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US
Government class The professor asked Bambi if she knew what
Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision
George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware ...'
Government class The professor asked Bambi if she knew what
Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision
George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware ...'
bob2701- Respected Forum Idividuals
- Posts : 1474
Join date : 2010-03-04
Age : 82
Location : Jersey Shore
Page 12 of 21 • 1 ... 7 ... 11, 12, 13 ... 16 ... 21
Similar topics
» Thursday Thread
» The forum thread
» Xbox Live thread
» The FIFA World Cup 2010 South Africa results thread
» The official " Show us your PC " Thread - All Welcome
» The forum thread
» Xbox Live thread
» The FIFA World Cup 2010 South Africa results thread
» The official " Show us your PC " Thread - All Welcome
https://mcstylists-overclock.forumotion.com :: Welcome & Hello :: The Chat Lounge :: Jokes & Funny Stuff
Page 12 of 21
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
|
|