The amusing thread

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Re: The amusing thread

Post by 4hams on Mon Aug 30, 2010 8:27 am

Thats great i love it!
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by grumpydaddy on Thu Sep 16, 2010 4:01 pm

a little risky but........What do you see?



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Re: The amusing thread

Post by grumpydaddy on Thu Sep 16, 2010 4:05 pm

Best aussie accent...Can you tell what it is yet?
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by grumpydaddy on Thu Sep 16, 2010 4:05 pm

Do you really want me to tell you?
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by grumpydaddy on Thu Sep 16, 2010 4:06 pm

HOMER
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by 4hams on Thu Sep 16, 2010 10:47 pm

LOL.
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by grumpydaddy on Tue Oct 12, 2010 4:31 pm

In case you Golfers didn't see this one...

THE GOLFING NUN.......
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with

frustration.




'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior.. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your

family...'


'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can.

You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'


'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'


'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty

dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.


And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'



'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs

out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
?
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother..
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether

this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball

still clutched in his paws!'


'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight,

the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of

his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'


Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare

and said...


'You missed the f---ing putt, didn't you?'

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Re: The amusing thread

Post by smduff on Tue Oct 12, 2010 4:56 pm

LOL that would piss me off as well
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by 4hams on Tue Oct 12, 2010 6:09 pm

I love it!
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by Steve on Tue Oct 12, 2010 7:52 pm

LMAO
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by bob2701 on Wed Oct 13, 2010 7:02 am

Good one Grumpy. :laugh:
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by grumpydaddy on Wed Oct 13, 2010 10:48 am

By no means a new one but for those of you thinking of using phase to cool your computer I give you....

Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School of Chemical Engineering, Final Exam question for May of 1997. Dr. Schambaugh is known for asking questions such as, "why do airplanes fly?" on his final exams. His one and only final exam question in May 1997 for his Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II class was: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, We postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave.

Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, then you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. Two options exist:
If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.
If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the quote given to me by Theresa Manyan during Freshman year, "that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have NOT succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then Option 2 cannot be true...Thus, hell is exothermic."

The student, Tim Graham, got the only A.
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by smduff on Wed Oct 13, 2010 11:00 am

makes sense to me LOL
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by 4hams on Thu Oct 14, 2010 6:18 am

So the Moral of the story is that we are all going to Hell until Tim Graham finally sleeps with Theresa Manyan... LOL
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by smduff on Thu Oct 14, 2010 9:45 am

Since were all going to hell I guess we should just get him the date rape drug, and go to heavan all will be forgiven right LMAO.
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by 4hams on Thu Oct 14, 2010 2:52 pm

I know I am going to hell... But I forgive myself for that and sleep well every night! Twisted Evil
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by smduff on Thu Oct 14, 2010 4:53 pm

I'll see ya there lmao
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by grumpydaddy on Fri Oct 15, 2010 3:05 pm

remember this??? (no time to look so hope it is not here already)

A man was waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head!

But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso popped out!

The bar was dead silent, then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender shook his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms popped out!

The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" But the bartender ignored the whole affair.

By this time, the boy was getting tipsy. With his new hands, he reached down, grabbed the drink, and guzzled the last of it.

Swoooop! Two legs popped out.

The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He stumbled to the right.. Then he stumbled through the front door and into the street, where a truck ran him over.

The bar fell silent. The father moaned with grief. The bartender merely sighed and said, "He should have quit while he was a head."
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by smduff on Fri Oct 15, 2010 3:51 pm

lol......... palm to face....sick
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by Steve on Fri Oct 15, 2010 4:00 pm

Yes sick, but still LMAO
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by 4hams on Fri Oct 15, 2010 5:32 pm

Ya, I saw that one coming.
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by grumpydaddy on Sat Oct 16, 2010 12:02 pm

Try this one then...

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there.

After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.

The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'

boy - 'I have a football.'

Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '£250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have football boots.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'
Boy - '£750'

Man - 'Sold.'


A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'
The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a £1,000....'

The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here'...
The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again you little bastard, you're in my cupboard now'!!
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by 4hams on Sat Oct 16, 2010 12:07 pm

I love that one!!! Keep 'em coming grumpy!
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by grumpydaddy on Sat Oct 16, 2010 12:24 pm

OK
The spoon:


A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.


It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.


Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'


'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.


If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'


As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now..' I was impressed.


I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.


Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'


'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.


By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76..39%.


I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'


'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

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Re: The amusing thread

Post by 4hams on Sat Oct 16, 2010 12:33 pm

LOL ROTFLMAO
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Re: The amusing thread

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