The amusing thread

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Re: The amusing thread

Post by grumpydaddy on Sun Nov 21, 2010 1:25 pm

Al-gebra


NEW YORK - A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a problem for us", the Attorney General said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values."

They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes."

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by 4hams on Sun Nov 21, 2010 1:37 pm

Now that is funny! ROTFLMAO
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by bob2701 on Sun Nov 21, 2010 3:04 pm

thinking Sounds like Bush...
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by grumpydaddy on Sat Nov 27, 2010 4:55 am

I saw you across a crowded room. Among all the others that were there, The lights seemed to shine down on you alone. I knew then I had to have you for my own.


Willingly, you came with me to my home. From the car, I carried you & threw the door.


Looking at you, I admire your body, your well shaped legs, and breasts. Slowly I remove what wraps, around your body so tightly, fitting you like a glove. Exposing your tender white skin.


From your neck I remove your charms, and carry you off in my arms, to the warm water that awaits.


The water cascades down your neck, flowing over your soft breasts then, making your legs glisten with wetness. Droplets of water cover your taut skin.


My hands rub your body, ummmm running them threw the beads of water. Making them trickle down off your body.


I place my fingers inside you. You are warm and moist, so ready. I carry your still dripping body, to a laying place, so that I can put inside you what was well prepared to enter you before we even came through the door.


As soon as I lay you down your legs spread open wide. You are ready now and so am I.


I put a little in slowly at first, getting a feel for how much you can take in.


I put in more, you take it willingly. In anticipation, faster and faster I put it in, pushing it in deeply as far as I can, until I can't put any more in, you are so tight. With your legs wrapped tightly, not wanting to release any of it,


I make you so hot for a very long time, until your sweet juices escape from within. Then I taste you, with my tongue at first, your skin is so soft and tender.


I taste more of you with my mouth, you are so hot and moist, you taste so good.


Your juices coating my mouth, making me drool in anticipation of eating you more, with every taste.


"Oh yes", I say to you,


I must say Grace "Thank God for Butterball turkey.... Amen"
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by 4hams on Sat Nov 27, 2010 7:32 am

Ha ha , yes i saw that one coming...
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by smduff on Sat Nov 27, 2010 12:52 pm

LOL doesn't your wife get pissed when you call her Butterball mine sure does. :laugh:


Last edited by smduff on Sat Nov 27, 2010 5:23 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by bob2701 on Sat Nov 27, 2010 1:35 pm

ROTFLMAO ROTFLMAO
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by 4hams on Sat Nov 27, 2010 2:23 pm

smduff wrote:LOL doesn't your wife get pissed when you can her Butterball mine sure does. :laugh:
I don't go near my wifes Butterball any more it just gets me into trouble... :HAHA:
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by grumpydaddy on Mon Nov 29, 2010 5:06 pm

Grammar Advice: Tips to Improve Your Writing

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.

2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.

3. Employ the vernacular.

4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

6. Remember to never split an infinitive.

7. Contractions aren't necessary.

8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

9. One should never generalize.

10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

12. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

13. Be more or less specific.

14. Understatement is always best.

15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

17. The passive voice is to be avoided.

18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

20. Who needs rhetorical questions?

21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

22. Don't never use a double negation.

23. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point

24. Do not put statements in the negative form.

25. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.

26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.

27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.

28. A writer must not shift your point of view.

29. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)

30. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!

31. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the irantecedents.

32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.

33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.

34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.

35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.

36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.

37. Always pick on the correct idiom.

38. The adverb always follows the verb.

39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They're old hat; seek viable alternatives.
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by 4hams on Tue Nov 30, 2010 11:06 am

I like #32 as i always avoid things that are dangling...
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by bob2701 on Tue Nov 30, 2010 11:51 am

4hams wrote:I like #32 as i always avoid things that are dangling...

Do you really want to go there?? :D:
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by Steve on Tue Nov 30, 2010 12:38 pm

LMAO
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by 4hams on Tue Nov 30, 2010 3:06 pm

bob2701 wrote:
4hams wrote:I like #32 as i always avoid things that are dangling...

Do you really want to go there?? :D:
ya sure why not... :Nananana:
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by bob2701 on Tue Nov 30, 2010 5:00 pm

Figures drink
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by 4hams on Wed Dec 01, 2010 7:42 am

Be careful what ya ask for Bob. LOL
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by bob2701 on Wed Dec 01, 2010 8:25 am

:laugh: :laugh:
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by grumpydaddy on Sat Dec 04, 2010 9:03 am

Europe English

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen world!
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by 4hams on Sat Dec 04, 2010 9:07 am

Fantastic i love it!!! lol!
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by smduff on Sat Dec 04, 2010 11:21 am

dam Germans out smarted the English again lol.
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by bob2701 on Sat Dec 04, 2010 11:41 am

LMFAO Good one grumpy
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by bob2701 on Wed Dec 08, 2010 4:22 pm

I Miss Bill Clinton

It doesn't matter what party you belong to-this is hilarious. From a show on Canadian TV, there was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton.

"Yep, that's right-I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a real black man as President.

Number 1 - He played the sax.
Number 2 - He smoked weed.
Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women.

Even now? Look at him...his wife works, and he doesn't! And, he gets a check from the government every month. Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America 's shelves this week with " Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nation's distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada .

When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one."

The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."

Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between the Bushes."
... ya gotta love it!
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by grumpydaddy on Wed Dec 08, 2010 5:24 pm

On form bob :Kewl:

Monica Samille Lewinsky...that IS a bit of a mouthful.

....great pose!!
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by Steve on Wed Dec 08, 2010 5:30 pm

LMAO
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by bob2701 on Thu Dec 09, 2010 8:27 pm

Eileen and her husband Joel smile: went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Joel watched with a raised eyebrow!

Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to Joel and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?'

Joel thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.


Last edited by bob2701 on Thu Dec 09, 2010 9:48 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Re: The amusing thread

Post by Steve on Thu Dec 09, 2010 8:39 pm

LMAO

Excellent Bob!!
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Re: The amusing thread

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